I noticed that when you visit my blog, you sometimes see a banner ad for Tate Publishing. Unfortunately, they aren't really a publisher. They are a vanity press. So, in essence, they can print your book for you--for an enormous fee. Real publishers don't aggressively seek out new authors on the Web. They deal almost strictly with agents. And you don't have to pay them anything, THEY pay YOU. Never pay a "publisher" for anything.

Tate is a joke. I just wanted to mention this in case you're an aspiring author.

There is a long list of things I couldn't do professionally, even if it was my life's dream:

Sing, or play any type of instrument
Compete in any sport
Sculpt or paint
Make a run for office
Model
Be a game warden (got a bad eye)
Teach
Dance
Juggle
Be an astronaut
Perform magic
Perform stand-up comedy

The list goes on, but those are some obvious examples. But here's the thing: I KNOW I can't do any of those things, so I don't try. If I did try--not just as a hobby, but as a career--it would be a waste of time. I'd be in the poorhouse.

So why do so many people on American Idol absolutely suck? Sometimes you can tell that somebody is auditioning just as a goof, but there are others who honest-to-God think they can sing, that it's their calling, even when they sound like a sick parrot.

Yet...

When people have a dream to make it in some arena of the "arts," they very frequently hear that they should never abandon their dreams. Just keep trying! You'll make it someday! That, my friends, is bad advice. Yes, in fact, you should abandon your dreams, and abandon them right this minute.

But hold on. I'm not saying you shouldn't dream, just base your dream in reality. Just because you can't sing, maybe you CAN dance. Or maybe not, in which can maybe you can sculpt. Or be a hell of a teacher. Or fly to the moon.

Artery--The study of paintings.
Bacteria--Back door to cafeteria.
Barium--What doctors do when patients die.
Benign--What you be after you be eight.
Catscan--Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize--Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section--A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic--A sheep dog.
Coma--A punctuation mark.
D&C--Where Washington is.
Dilate--To live long.
Enema--Not a friend.
Fester--Quicker than someone else.
Fibula--A small lie.
Genital--Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series--World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail--What you put your coat.
Impotent--Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain--Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff--A Doctor's cane.
Morbid--A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates--Cheaper than day rates.
Node--I knew it.
Outpatient--A person who has fainted.
Ovaries--You get to try again.
Pap Smear--A paternity test.
Pelvis--Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative--A letter carrier.
Recovery Room--Place to do upholstery.
Rectum--Pretty near killed him.
Secretion--Hiding something.
Seizure--Roman emperor.
Tablet--A small table.
Terminal Illness--Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor--More than one.
Urine--Opposite of you're out.
Varicose--Near by/close by.

I'm writing this novel with a Mexican immigrant, and I don't know much Spanish at all, so I needed some help. Specifically, I needed to know some cuss words. I searched on the Web and found something called www.insultmonger.com. The thing is, this site, or the page I landed on, was sponsored by something called Adult FriendFinder, which is exactly what you think it is. Or maybe not. What do you think it is?

Well, my best guess is that it's some sort of porn site, because the ad running down the side showed all sorts of nubile half-naked women. But it gets better. Under each of those photos was a screen name and a hometown listing. This is amazing, but every single one of those women was from Dripping Springs, Texas. Can you believe it? I was surprised to learn that the quiet little town of Dripping Springs had so many aspiring porn starlets living there. Who would've guessed?

Wait. What's that you say? Maybe the ad wasn't being totally honest? You mean those trollops don't really live in Dripping Springs? It's completely fabricated? Why, that's crazy! Nobody tells lies on the Web, do they?

I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't read a single one of the books listed below. How about you?

BEST NOVEL

Christine Falls by Benjamin Black (Henry Holt and Company)
Priest by Ken Bruen (St. Martin's Minotaur)
The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon (HarperCollins)
Soul Patch by Reed Farrel Coleman (Bleak House Books)
Down River by John Hart (St. Martin's Minotaur)

BEST FIRST NOVEL BY AN AMERICAN AUTHOR

Missing Witness by Gordon Campbell (HarperCollins – William Morrow)
In the Woods by Tana French (Penguin Group – Viking)
Snitch Jacket by Christopher Goffard (The Rookery Press)
Head Games by Craig McDonald (Bleak House Books)
Pyres by Derek Nikitas (St. Martin's Minotaur)

BEST PAPERBACK ORIGINAL

Queenpin by Megan Abbott (Simon & Schuster)
Blood of Paradise by David Corbett (Random House - Mortalis)
Cruel Poetry by Vicki Hendricks (Serpent's Tail)
Robbie's Wife by Russell Hill (Hard Case Crime)
Who is Conrad Hirst? by Kevin Wignall (Simon & Schuster)

BEST FACT CRIME

The Birthday Party by Stanley Alpert (Penguin Group – G.P. Putnam's Sons)
Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy
by Vincent Bugliosi (W.W. Norton and Company
Chasing Justice: My Story of Freeing Myself After Two Decades on Death Row for a Crime I Didn't Commit by Kerry Max Cook (HarperCollins – William Morrow)
Relentless Pursuit: A True Story of Family, Murder, and the Prosecutor Who Wouldn't Quit by Kevin Flynn (Penguin Group – G.P. Putnam's Sons)
Sacco & Vanzetti: The Men, The Murders and the Judgment of Mankind by Bruce Watson (Penguin Group – Viking)

BEST CRITICAL/BIOGRAPHICAL

The Triumph of the Thriller: How Cops, Crooks and Cannibals Captured Popular Fiction by Patrick Anderson (Random House)
A Counter-History of Crime Fiction: Supernatural, Gothic, Sensational by Maurizio Ascari (Palgrave Macmillan)
Deviance in Contemporary Crime Fiction by Christiana Gregoriou (Palgrave Macmillan)
Arthur Conan Doyle: A Life in Letters by Jon Lellenberg, Daniel Stashower and Charles Foley (The Penguin Press)
Chester Gould: A Daughter's Biography of the Creator of Dick Tracy
by Jean Gould O’Connell (McFarland & Company)

BEST SHORT STORY

"The Catch" – Still Waters by Mark Ammons (Level Best Books)
"Blue Note" – Chicago Blues by Stuart M. Kaminsky (Bleak House Books)
"Hardly Knew Her" – Dead Man's Hand by Laura Lippman (Harcourt Trade Publishers)
"The Golden Gopher" – Los Angeles Noir by Susan Straight (Akashic Books
"Uncle" – A Hell of a Woman” by Daniel Woodrell (Busted Flush Press)

BEST JUVENILE

The Name of This Book is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch (Little, Brown Books for Young Readers)
Shadows on Society Hill by Evelyn Coleman (American Girl Publications)
Deep and Dark and Dangerous by Mary Downing Hahn (Clarion Books)
The Night Tourist by Katherine Marsh (Hyperion Books for Young Readers)
Sammy Keyes and the Wild Things by Wendelin Van Draanen (Random House Children’s Books – Alfred A. Knopf)

BEST YOUNG ADULT

Rat Life by Tedd Arnold (Penguin – Dial Books for Young Readers)
Diamonds in the Shadow by Caroline B. Cooney (Random House Children's Books – Delacorte Press)
Touching Snow by M. Sindy Felin (Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing – Atheneum Books for Young Readers)
Blood Brothers by S.A. Harazin (Random House Children's Books – Delacorte Press)
Fragments by Jeffry W. Johnston (Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing – Simon Pulse)

BEST PLAY

If/Then by David Foley (International Mystery Writers' Festival)
Panic by Joseph Goodrich (International Mystery Writers' Festival)
Books by Stuart M. Kaminsky (International Mystery Writers' Festival)

BEST TELEVISION EPISODE TELEPLAY

"It’s Alive" – Dexter, Teleplay by Daniel Cerone (Showtime)
"Yahrzeit" – Waking the Dead, Teleplay by Declan Croghan & Barbara Machin (BBC America)
"Pie-Lette" – Pushing Daisies, Teleplay by Bryan Fuller (ABC/Warner Bros Television
"Senseless" – Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Teleplay by Julie Martin & Siobhan Byrne O’Connor (Wolf Films/NBC Universal)
"Pilot" – Burn Notice, Teleplay by Matt Nix (USA Network/Fox Television Studios)

BEST MOTION PICTURE SCREENPLAY

Eastern Promises, Screenplay by Steven Knight (Focus Features)
The Lookout, Screenplay by Scott Frank (Miramax)
Michael Clayton, Screenplay by Tony Gilroy (Warner Bros. Pictures)
No Country for Old Men, Screenplay by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen, based on the book by Cormac McCarthy (Miramax)
Zodiac, Screenplay by James Vanderbilt, based on the book by Robert Graysmith
(Warner Bros. Pictures)

ROBERT L. FISH MEMORIAL AWARD

"The Catch" – Still Waters by Mark Ammons (Level Best Books)

GRAND MASTER

Bill Pronzini

RAVEN AWARDS

Center for the Book in the Library of Congress
Kate's Mystery Books (Kate Mattes, owner)

THE SIMON & SCHUSTER - MARY HIGGINS CLARK AWARD

In Cold Pursuit by Sarah Andrews (St. Martin's Minotaur)
Wild Indigo by Sandi Ault (Penguin Group – Berkley Prime Crime)
Inferno by Karen Harper (Harlequin – MIRA Books)
The First Stone by Judith Kelman (Penguin Group – Berkley Prime Crime)
Deadman's Switch by Barbara Seranella (St. Martin's Minotaur)