10. Are they selling nachos? Nothing goes with a hanging quite like nachos.

9. I heard Don King wanted to put this on pay-per-view.

8. For some reason, this makes me want to rent a Clint Eastwood movie.

7. He looks taller this way.

6. Yeah, sure, this is quality entertainment—but did you see that Texas Tech comeback?

5. Next, let’s go after Clay Aiken. His singing is a crime in itself.

4. I think this eggnog has turned.

3. Smile, everybody. This will wind up on YouTube.

2. Good thing I’m not Baptist, because I plan to dance around his corpse.

1. This time of year, one hopes for peace on Earth and good will towards...ah, screw it. String the sumbitch up.

It's Christmas, and I'm too distracted and lazy to come up with a huge post. So, instead, I'll share an article and a photo with you.

Not long after my wife and I moved to our new home north of Dripping Springs, Texas, we started noticing a very dark white-tailed deer hanging around. I had seen a few "melanistic" deer, but not one quite this dark. So I did some research, learned a lot, and wrote the following article:

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Use the phrase “albino deer” in a conversation, and most people will know you’re referring to a white deer, one without any pigment in its hair or skin. But mention a “melanistic deer” and you’re likely to receive looks of uncertainty--even from experienced hunters, hikers, and campers. Stands to reason, because these unusual deer are even less common than their albino cousins.

Simply put, a melanistic, or “black,” deer is one whose body produces excessive amounts of the pigment known as melanin, resulting in an animal that’s much darker than we’ve come to expect. Unlike albinism, which is an all-or-nothing proposition (albino animals are either white or they aren’t), melanism is a continuum, with deer that range from chocolate brown to jet black.

While melanistic deer are quite rare across North America, central Texas, by comparison, has more than its fair share. In fact, according to Dr. John Baccus, director of the wildlife ecology program at Texas State University and an eleven-year researcher of melanistic deer, there are more black deer in an area comprised of eight Texas counties (Blanco, Burnet, Caldwell, Comal, Guadalupe, Hays, Travis, and Williamson) than in the rest of the world combined. Still, don’t expect to step out your back door and see one.

“Even though we have more here than in the whole world,” says Baccus, “they’re still extremely rare. It’s the rarest of the white-tailed deer, even rarer than the big-antlered deer. I get the harvest records every year from Parks and Wildlife, and generally there are fewer than five of these melanistic deer that are harvested in any given year.”

The question that immediately springs to mind is: What causes melanism? Nobody knows for certain, but it could be that the mutation offers a survival advantage in heavily wooded riparian environments.

Baccus says, “All of these [melanistic] deer have been associated with a drainage in which you have greater subdued light from the trees in the area. A deer that’s darker in color would get a certain degree of camouflage from the dark shadowing.”

Indeed, you might hike past a melanistic deer and not even realize it. Baccus remembers one black deer that his team spotted in Lakeway, near Lake Travis. “This was the middle of the afternoon, bright sunlight, and this deer was back up in some cedar trees. The only way we knew that deer was there was because one of the students picked up on the glistening from the wet nose.”

For hunters, a melanistic deer represents a true once-in-a-lifetime trophy. Even in central Texas, most avid hunters have never spotted, much less harvested, one. Austin resident Steve Deis is one of the lucky ones. Hunting on a large ranch just minutes west of Austin, he bagged an eight-point melanistic buck on Christmas Day in 1998.

“I’ve always looked for things that are a little unusual.” says Deis, “I didn’t want a normal white-tailed deer with ten points, I wanted something different, and I guess this was my Christmas present that year.”

Two things to report today:

1. Remember how I told you that, when something odd happens with animals, especially deer, I hear about it? Well, a friend of mine recently sent me a link to a strange article on MSNBC. Here’s part of the text:

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Wisconsin hunter bags odd beast with pickup in driveway, eats it
Patrick Flood / AP
FOND DU LAC, Wis. - Rick Lisko hunts deer with a bow but got his most unusual one driving his truck down his mile-long driveway. The young buck had nub antlers — and seven legs. Lisko said it also had both male and female reproductive organs. "It was definitely a freak of nature," Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity.”

"And by the way, I did eat it," Lisko said. "It was tasty."

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I thought that was an interesting article, but while exploring MSNBC, I discovered that they have a section called Animal Peculiarity, and it includes headlines about, you guessed it, peculiar incidents with or about animals. Funny how that works.

Anyway, I checked it out, and I stumbled across this little gem:

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Man fined for puzzling hotel pig toss

Throwing of porker over front desk might be ‘a redneck thing,’ police say

WEST POINT, Miss. - When pigs fly, indeed. Kevin Pugh, 20, of Cedar Bluff has been fined $279 for tossing a pig over the counter at the Holiday Inn Express in West Point on Nov. 12. Pugh pleaded guilty Tuesday in city court to a charge of disturbing the peace.

West Point Police Lt. Danny McCaskill has said Pugh didn't know the employees of the hotel. There was no evidence intoxication was a factor.

No one was hurt, including the pig, officers said.

"This was the silliest thing I've ever seen," McCaskill said. "Almost every officer we had was involved because the incidents kept happening at different hours."

McCaskill said Pugh was accused of walking into the hotel and throwing the 60-pound pig over the counter.

"He said it was a prank," McCaskill said. "It must be some redneck thing, because I haven't ever heard of anything like it."

McCaskill said there have been four late-night incidents involving animal-tossing at West Point businesses. Twice a pig was tossed and two of the incidents involved possums.

All four of the disturbances took place between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., McCaskill said.

Pugh is accused in a second animal-throwing incident at a Hardee's restaurant. He has pleaded innocent to disturbing the peace in that case and will appear in city court on Dec. 19.

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Don’t be judgmental. I mean, really, how many of us haven’t tossed a pig?

2. I have a friend who’s a game warden. I’ll call him Jim, but only because that’s his real name.

Jim got a call about some possible poaching late Sunday night, so he went to the area and didn’t find anything. He sat for a while, and eventually a truck started making a loop on a particular stretch of road. Eventually, Jim fell in behind them with his headlights off (a common warden tactic), but they got far ahead and turned around, which forced Jim to turn his lights on.

So he went ahead and pulled them over. There were two youngish guys inside, they had rifles and a spotlight, they were loopy on something, and they both told different stories; one said something about meeting a girl, and the other said something about getting a pizza delivered. Keep in mind that they were out in the country.

So Jim ran a check on their licenses, and surprise surprise, they both had felony warrants out on them (one was considered armed and very dangerous). So Jim pulls one guy out, frisks him, and finds a crack pipe. He arrests them both, searches the vehicle, and finds five grams of meth.

This is a perfect reminder that game wardens don’t just enforce hunting and fishing laws. They’re happy to bust a couple of speed freaks if the guys are stupid enough to go poaching while they have warrants out and meth in the vehicle.

Croce was right: You don’t mess around with Jim.

A couple of my buddies went hunting this weekend.

They were a little concerned because the lease was near a nuclear power plant--who knew what kind of effect that might have on the animals?

But in the end, everything turned out okay, and they came home with a very nice trophy.

At the risk of sounding like Norm McDonald impersonating Larry King, here are some end-of-week thoughts...

Why do some people say, “I could care less” when they should be saying, “I couldn’t care less”?

I think badgers are a myth. Here’s my proof: Ever seen one?

Somebody out there is responding to spam, and it pisses me off. If nobody responded, the problem would go away, but it’s only getting worse. So I’m speaking to those morons who actually answer spam: Do you really think there’s a wealthy Nigerian prince who needs your help moving some money around? Is an anonymous email the best place to get investment advice? Assuming you do need Viagra, do you really want to buy it from a stranger?

I live out in the country, kind of. Ten minutes to the nearest grocery store or fast-food joint. Plenty of deer around. Recently, however, Texaco decided to build a jumbo-sized convenience store/gas station right near the entrance to my neighborhood. Okay, fine. I hate it, but you can’t stop “progress.” But, dear Texaco people, did you really need to strap a massive grand opening hot-air balloon on top of the gas kiosk to get our attention? Did you think we were saying, “Hey, look, there’s a new Texaco. I hadn’t noticed that before they put the balloon up.”

I wish Sylvester Stallone had made just the one film, Rocky, and then disappeared forever. He could’ve been legendary, like JD Salinger.

If you are an aspiring author, check out http://misssnark.blogspot.com/. She’s a literary agent, and she writes a blog full of wisdom and good advice. She is, however, snarky. Who woulda guessed?

195,000 books were published in the U.S. last year. 25,000 were fiction. So you’d better get busy reading.

Probably the best book I read last year was Provinces of Night, by William Gay. Good suggestion, Marsha.

I was at a signing in San Angelo, sitting behind a table, hoping to sell a few books, when a cute coed approached. She picked up one of the books and said, “What are these about?” I said, “It’s a mystery series that revolves around a game warden. They’re funny.” She said, “Have you read them?”

For 42 years, I wasn’t a coffee drinker. Suddenly, I love it. What’s up with that?

I wish there was a source of information about celebrities like Britney Spears Paris Hilton, and Brad Pitt. They are so underexposed, and their lives are such a mystery. I want to know more, more I tell you!